the one I love
by Koohinor
Summary: SHONEN AI. Nagi thinks about his relationship with Yohji. It's good! Sad, but good.


Title: the one I love

Part:1/1

Author: Koohinor

Email: sliver-samaweb.de

Warning: sad. Yohji being a complete asshole. shonen ai.

Pairing: Yohji x Nagi, Yohji x ?

Rating: sigh… I would say it's PG, but, knowing and all those nice people out there who have no life and spend their sorry existence with puffing themselves up, I'll put it in the PG-13 section. HEY! Don't like, don't read!

Disclaimer: Neither do I own Weiss Kreuz, nor do I make any money out of this. The idea belongs to me.

commentary: This is the translation of an old story of mine, 'mit dem, den ich liebe'. I just felt like translating something. shrug I'm weird. Go figure.

I did it in, like, one hour, so it might be pretty strange to the native speaker. I didn't put much effort in it, I'm tired.

°°°

I want to go with the one I love.

I don't want to calculate the costs.

I don't want to think about if it is right.

I don't want to know if he loves me.

I want to go with the one I love.

(Impromtu translation of a few lines from 'Der gute Mensch from Sezuan' by Bertholt Brecht.)

Again you aren't here, and again I guess I have to wait in vain for you. Here, in our apartment. Our private place, our shelter. At least I always felt that way. Here I have always felt save and secure. You brought me to this place after we left our teams.

I sometimes meet with Schuldig, we lived and worked together for a long time, after all. You too meet with your old team mates. Or should I say with a particular teammate?

I enter our bedroom almost reverently. My gaze falls on the big king size bed in the middle of the room. I know it is wonderfully warm and soft, even without sitting on it. After all, I have spent almost every night in the last year with you here. You always sleep on the left side of the bed, so you can spoon with me when I curl up in my usual position. Tonight, I guess I have to sleep without your warm breath on my neck, without your arm around my middle. Have you already finished your little meeting? Do you hold him in your arms, instead of me? Or are you sleeping with him right now? It sickens me to think that you do exactly the same things with him you did with me. Do you kiss him the way you kiss me? Do you caress him the way you caressed me?

I hated society, and I still do. I never trusted anyone. But you were… different, you took me the way I was. Others always feared me for my powers, feared me, and hated me because I made them feel fear. Before I met you, I have always been reduced to that. Even Schwarz was just interested in me because of that. You never cared. My powers were nothing you would be afraid of. And the more I got to know you, the less reason you had to. I could never use my powers against you. Not anymore. Even when I'm taking into account what you are doing to me now, I couldn't do it.

When you told me that you love me and that you want to take me with you, I had no doubts. Maybe I should have had, but I didn't. It was exactly what I wanted – being with you, without restrictions, without secrecy. Loving and knowing that this love was returned. At least that was what I believed.

It's cold. The heater in our bedroom has never worked properly. I remember that, whenever this occurred, you took me in your arms and warmed me; close to you, I was always comfortable. But you aren't here now. Where are you, Yohji? Are you with him? With your 'kitten'? Is he the one snuggling deeper into your embrace now, the one you kiss softly, the one you give your attention to? Has he taken over my place? Or was there never any place for me?

When you took me away, away from Schwarz, away from Weiss, you told me you would always stay by my side. That you would never want to be without me again. Did you lie?

I didn't ask any questions when you didn't come home the first night. Everybody can get hold up, especially you, who always goes clubbing until sunrise. I didn't say anything either, when I smelled a different perfume on you. Maybe you had tried another one.

And I stayed silent when you mumbled his name in your sleep. I already was too entangled in your sweet net.

I sit down on the bed and stroke the cover. It is green, your favourite colour. The colour of your eyes. What didn't we do in that bed. A wistful smile plays across my lips at the thought of that. You were the first for me, and I couldn't have asked for someone better. You will always be special to me. I hoped I would be special to you, too, but I'm not, I know now all to well.

I couldn't leave you, Yohji. I scold myself for this weakness, but I just couldn't. It would be the sensible thing to do to pack my things and to leave you, not letting myself be humiliated with the knowledge that your tenderness is phoney, that your loving words are nothing but lies. At least I could save my pride.

But if you came in now and took me in your arms, I wouldn't push you away. Even if your clothes still were rumpled. If the foreign and now familiar smell of your lover still lingered on you, I wouldn't do it. I love you too much for that. I can't imaging a life without you. Not that I don't care if you love me or not… by no means. But I just want to stay with you. I just want you to notice me, and only me. Am I asking too much? You always scolded me when I said I was worthless, and you showed me that my wishes are as valid as everybody else's. Isn't that true anymore?

Maybe it wouldn't be so hard if it were only about sex. The physical escapades I could forgive, ignore. The terrible thing is that I can feel that your heart isn't with me anymore. It almost tears me apart when I see that you aren't thinking of me. I have always closed myself of when I was sad, as I did now. Of course you noticed, then since I have been living with you, I haven't been like this anymore. I have always told you everything, could talk with you about everything. I almost laughed when you asked me what was wrong with me. Or would I have cried? I don't know. I'm afraid that you leave me if I confront you with what I know. Would you choose me, Yohji? Or him? Would you leave me to stay with him? I still have hope that this is only temporary, that you will come back to me. A small laugh escapes my lips, and it isn't a happy one. Me and hoping, that's nice. Who would have thought that Naoe Nagi would have hope one day?

Tired, I pull back the covers and lay down. Waiting for you won't do any good. Who knows when you will be back. If you come back today anyway.

It hurts so much, Yohji. But I rather get hurt by you then that I leave you. This way, I sometimes, when I lie in yor arms, can pretend that you still love me…

OWARI.

°°°

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